Eternity

Which is harder to comprehend, the idea of nothing ever beginning or ending, or the idea of you just not existing anymore?

As far as I can tell, I've lived forever. I can't remember a time when I wasn't living. I don't know what its like to not be conscious. There has never been a time when I didn't wake up from going to bed. I go to bed one night, wake up the next morning. I've never experienced a day not coming after, its always been going.

Eternity is a hard thing to understand, but it makes more sense to me than a sudden stop. If we don't believe in eternity, what happens to us when we die? Do we just cease to exist? Are we stuck seeing a screen saver forever? Do we not see, do we not exist? I've never experienced not existing, and it scares me. The end idea doesn't make any sense to me. What happens to my thoughts deep inside? The thing inside of me that makes me think and breathe, that will just stop? No way man.

So, we're not very good at understanding stuff, and I don't understand this eternity idea super well, but I understand this "end" idea even less. What would it be like to just end? I figure it wouldn't be like anything, and thats weird. Because everything is like something. How can you experience no longer existing? We've always got to exist. Your 'soul' can't just stop. I'm always going to be me.

Just some food for thought.

Wha?!

Thats right, im posting. It's 1:04, so this has to be quick, but I've got a groove, and im going to run with it. GO!

Innocence: It's not there. Do you guys realize that everything that comes out of my mouth has to be thought about beforehand? Lets say I really want to just run up and talk to a girl after not seeing her for a month. In an innocent world, I'd just run up there, and do exactly what I want to do, just talk to her. Instead, we live in this crazy world where everything Thatcher says or does has to be premeditated. Whats with that?

Everyone likes to look at what kids do, and use it for statistical purposes to prove that violent video games make kids violent. The problem with that whole theory is that kids think about the stuff they do. They don't just do stuff. I don't just do stuff, so it stands to reason that other people are like me, right?

My sister Steph teaches kindergarten, and its funny to see what her kids do. They seem like they're just so "Innocent" they just do stuff. They say the freakin' funniest things, and they just do it, like its nothing. So, you think, hey, they just do stuff, why can't I do stuff?

Well, in kindergarten, I thought about stuff too. When I talked to adults, I thought about what I was going to say. I didnt mean for it to be funny, I had a goal in mind when I opened my mouth. Are you guys like that?

So, that's what kills me. Its the fact that everything that anyone has ever said had a motive behind it. Everything I've said has had a motive behind it. I can't really remember a time when I just gave up this whole premeditation thing and just ran with it. If I think a girl is good looking one day, why not say it? Well duh, cause that'd be weird. Instead we're gonna think about saying it, and then not say it, good call.

Which makes it kinda weird, because then when a girl says something to me, you've got to realize that it probably comes from their brain, and not necessarily from their heart. Acting on instinct is interesting, because its just me and whatever I've shaped my brain in to, its not me forcing my brain to do stuff. Sometimes my instinctive mind surprises me, it's kinda fun.

See, this whole 'no innocence" theory falls apart on itself though, because in the end, we still end up saying something. Even if we sat there and thought about it for 20 minutes, we still end up saying something. Whether it be from instinct, or from 20 minutes of hard reasoning, its the same in the end.

If I run up to tanya the first day of 9th grade and say "hey, how was summer? You look dandy!" or if I sit in my desk and think to myself "Hey, there's tanya, she looks good today" its really just the difference between acting on instinct, doing what I want, and not acting on instinct, but doing what my noggin tells me to. Whats the difference in the end? Well, me forgetting about Tanya. The real deal is, we think about what we do, so how can we trust ourselves or other people? If everyone did what they wanted deep down in their heart, we could tell what a person was really like after about 2 minutes. We could tell what they wanted in life, and what they're willing to do to get it. The honest them. Instead, we see the product of them thinking about "hey, what can I do to get the most out of this situation?"

This isnt necessarily a bad thing, its just a thing. Maybe its totally the wrong thing, maybe im way off base. Maybe im the only weird one, or maybe you all think about stuff just as much as I do. Maybe you over analyze things to the point where you do nothing. Or maybe, I'm a nutjob with access to a good internet connection, and a blog service dumb enough to let me write.

In the end, I thought about this. These ideas might have come from my heart, but they had to pass my brain's filter first. Is that comforting, or disconcerting? Depends on who you are.

Nothin' Intelligent

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Boy this place is dead. Nah, I'm not posting anything here tonight, don't get excited or anything. Just, there'll be stuff to come. I'll do another blogaday or something good. It's 9:49 PM, Monday, January 3rd, 2006 and I'm postin something here. Just wanted to keep you all on your toes.


...one last echo cause it's fun....